Idiot Savant Online

John Lichman's third attempt at a personal blog and online savanting idiotic.

SyFy Channel Experiment #2: SHARKTOPUS

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Welcome, gentle friend, to the second SciFi SyFy Channel Experiment.

Tonight: Sharktopus

9:03: “Brie! There’s a shark!” And drinking commences.

9:03: FUCK YEAH! SHARKTOPUS EATS SHARKS FOR BREAKFAST!

9:04 Eric Roberts arrives. He is clearly in charge of the horrible abortion that is a shark and octopus combined by Roger Corman’s collection of paperclips and yarn. Of course, the Sharktopus is a weapon for the Navy. It’s official name? S-11. And it sounds like a whale.

9:06 “But the external interface is a prototype, if–” SOMETHING HAPPENS, MAYBE THE SHARKTOPUS WILL START EATING PEOPLE OR SOMETHING.

9:07 The hand-held shakey cam trend is not helping this film. Oh noes! SHARKTOPUS HAS GONE ROGUE! WHAT HATH SCIENCE WROUGHT?!

9:08: The Sharktopus’ tentacle has barbs. Awesome.

9:10: You know, they keep calling it “S-11.” That should mean there were ten other trials. And suddenly: B-ROLL OF MEXICO.

9:11: “I didn’t let him go, Santos. I fired him. Because he demanded a raise.” Well, when you’re genetically mashing together a shark and an octopus, you can’t afford to be greedy.

9:12: We’re introduced to Andy. Andy used to work for Eric Roberts and worked on S-11. He also wants to do tequila falls with random Mexican women in a random, nondescript pool.

9:16: “You like cheap women and cheaper booze.” Said to the guy that asks for $300,000 to go hunt the Sharktopus. Sounds like a deal to me. Also, the young scientist looks like a freckled Aubrey Plaza. Go figure.

9:18: “Stop staring at my rack. They’re just boobs. They’re not going to get up and dance.”

9:20: Two jogging meat bodies: “We have to jog off those enchiladas!” “Don’t worry, you’re going to be screaming soon enough.” “Wait, why?” “….two words. Bungee jumping.” Or, SHARK TOPUS.

9:26: SyFy supplemental features “a star of Sharktopus.” Weirdly enough, this man has not been in the first 20 minutes at all.

9:28: BLAH BLAH BLAH EXPOSITION ABOUT MAIN CHARACTER WANTING THE BOSS’ DAUGHTER WHO VAGUELY LOOKS LIKE FRECKLED AUBREY PLAZA AND SHE IS A BITCH NOW BUT IN THE LAST 15 MINUTES SHE WILL WANT HIS DICK SO HARD THAT NOT EVEN A SHARKTOPUS COULD STOP IT.

9:30: “Captain Jack” hosts an FM radio show. He also announces the “half shark, half octopus.” In Mexico.

9:33: “Octopii are very territorial.” So far, this Sharktopus owes more to the Octopus than a bad-ass shark.

9:36: The Sharktopus’ first Willheim scream.

9:44: “How do you know S-11 did this?” “I can tell by the tentacle markings.”

9:45: The dialog of win: “The creature appears to be some hybrid of shark and octopus. A ‘sharktopus’ if you will.” and “First bring me a great big scotch.” “Three neat, sir?” “Yeah.”

9:47: The reporter, Stacy Everheart, never puts on a shirt. She is the best reporter ever.

9:48: Yeah. The reporter’s cameraman had his tattoos done in sharpie.

9:50: “Are you drinking?” “YES I AM. SCOTCH. GOOD SCOTCH.”

9:58: Shockingly the Sharktopus dislikes being shot.

10:00: At the second hour mark, there is a sudden shift in framing devices and conversation. Someone clearly saw 24 and decided it would work amazingly for this single shot.

10:03: The Sharktopus climbs atop a boat. Also it is revealed the Sharktopus was altered to be more of a killer. What a shocking twist.

10:09: SyFy supplemental program reminds us the Sharktopus has only killed 15 people so far. 50 minutes left.

10:11: “Tequila’s on you guys and I’m super thirsty!” In other news, the Sharktopus has now killed 18 people.

10:15 Something something something drinking harder.

10:17: That guy earlier who I said wasn’t mentioned? He finally died.

10:20: The Sharktopus just bit a boat in half. I mean, are you surprised?

10:22: FUCK NO, SANTOS JUST GOT GRABBED! SANTOS!!!!!

“SHOOT HIM IN THE DOCK!!”

10:25: SANTOS IS DEAD. WAHT THE FUCK. GOISANDEWFUAEWFES. Now I’m just going to drink myself blind. There is no reason to go on.

10:30: Somehow the Sharktopus has set up an ambush that…we’re at a resort and I have no idea what happened. No, really. We’re at a loss here.

10:32 Another framing exercise! Awesome! Always when using phones though.

10:34: At a certain point, I imagine the “Eric Roberts drinking Scotch” subplot wasn’t in the script, but a reality on day two of shooting.

10:37 Sharktopus slowly eats fire dancers. Climbs around walls. “You can’t hide, I’ll find you.” BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING SHARKTOPUS?

10:44: “Excuse me, everyone. There’s a killer shark hybrid coming this way. Please leave the marina in a timely fashion.”

10:47: Seriously. Sharktopus is bulletproof. And now Eric Roberts is being eaten.

10:48: Now that Eric Roberts is dead, this film has no redeemable star power or talent. IT’S ALL UP FOR GRABS.

10:51: SUDDENLY, ZIPLINES.

10:52 They show underwater POV shots to build tension. But they’ve already established the Sharktopus basically walks on land and can be seen in shallow water…

10:58: BARELY SEVEN MINUTES LEFT. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

10:59 Like clockwork, woman runs up, “PLEASE SAVE MY SON.” Where’s her son? Crying near a pier. That pier? NEAR THE SHARKTOPUS.

11:01: The Sharktopus kills the Journalist. Because media is a cut-throat business and something or other. Now the main dude has taken his shirt off and…sure.

11:03: Oh noes! There’s a password to kill the Sharktopus! Whatever could it be, Pumpkin? Oh wait.

11:03 Wait yes, it is.

11:04 It is over. The Sharktopus is blown up’ed. And so we come to an end.

–30–

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Written by john lichman

September 26, 2010 at 1:03 am

One Response

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by john lichman and john lichman, Allyn Tygrrr. Allyn Tygrrr said: RT @jlichman mind you. i'm live-blogging the #sharktopus drinking thing too: http://bit.ly/cNy5Xr #ohthisone […]


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